A very timid discussion about scope and enforcement of sexual assault policy is underway across the state. Since political California is obsessed with Three-Strikes laws, which turn justice in to a leisurely pastime whose plays can be decided by an umpire's guess, we herewith propose...
THREE-STRIKES LAWS TO ADDRESS THE UC’S SEXUAL ASSAULT CRISIS
1. Victims of sexual assault can assign a strike towards termination to a random faculty or administration member.
2. Any student blowing the whistle on a provable sexual assault case on behalf of the victim gets a strike, and three strikes earns that student free tuition for a year.
3. Each convicted sexual assaulter gets a free diploma upon expulsion that looks like a BA diploma only in the major field it says “RAPE.”
4. Administrators have to sign a written consent that they will enforce sexual assault policy and prosecute sexual assault claims. If an administrator catches three rapists, s/he gets a university T-shirt autographed by all the UC regents.
5. For each set of three sexual assault cases successfully resolved UC-wide, a randomly-selected UC regent, head coach, chancellor, provost, investment officer, or other upstairs fatcat must give back $100,000 of his or her ridiculous $200,000+ salary. Funds will be given to students as scholarships.
6. For each set of three sexual assault cases successfully resolved UC-wide, Raytheon and Lockheed each have to give $20 billion in scholarships to their pet project, the UC.
7. For each set of three complaints of sexual assault, the entire UC system has to announce formally to students that competition, success and getting what you want are not actually integral to survival on the planet Earth.
1. Rape victims have to prove they were raped three different times before any administrator has to do anything about it.
2. Any student who complains about sexual assault –even if it’s the same case –three times can be dismissed from the school.
3. Any student of color who complains about sexual assault while having unpaid bills on the books will have the unpaid bills counted as a second strike.
4. Any administrator who successfully convinces three rape victims’ families that it was the victims’ fault gets a free pair of Shakespeare Santa Cruz tickets.
5. Students have to practice abstinence. Each sexual thought counts as a strike. Hopefully they’ll just govern themselves.